fuck research.
Research is tough, yeah. I knew to expect that going into any graduate program having had tastes of research as an undergraduate student. All the usual advice about emotional resilience apply, yet just knowing I ought to be patient and persistent hardly makes it better.
How can I not internalize my work? I realized yesterday that I have a long history of doing internalizing my work, likely developed at elementary school age being praised for good grades and being shamed for anything sub A. I gradually grew to place my worth in my work, which has gotten me this far, but definitely not the optimal route. Most importantly, this internalizing wreaks havoc with my self-worth and self-esteem. It damages relationships (stressed V –> cranky, mean V) and places an unnecessary burden in my life as well as the lives connected to mine. There was certainly tension when an ex back in high school did better than I did on AP Bio quizzes. When taking physics as a sophomore in undergrad, my face broke out nearly every day, and my social life was, save for my and other friends’ birthdays, nonexistent. I suspect that this hyper-single-minded view of a year and a half (because I also took QM pchem that fall) led to extreme emotional disconnect and mild depression that following year.
On the flip side, I was super happy with my first year in grad school, which is pretty much taking classes and being a teaching assistant. I excelled in my classes, cracked jokes with my students, and savored my new sunny environment. I started research late spring of my first year, which means I’ve been at it for just under a year. Not having the constant feedback that is granted to students (homework assignments, quizzes, exams, etc.) is hard. Am I doing okay as a grad student? Do my advisors think I’m doing okay? Do I need to step up my game? Is that possible and sustainable? Lots of unknowns, but I’d very much rather not discuss my insecurities with my advisors (oh yeah, I have two PIs). As a student taking classes, there is a right and wrong answer, and getting no positive returns from efforts would indicate to me that I need to change up how I’m learning the material. In the case of research, though, my efforts could just be doomed to fail. Not that I’m being pessimistic, but realistic.
Connecting back to the initial idea that research is tough, is that I feel like I’m putting in my best efforts and seeing no positive returns. Then I present my results at subgroup meeting, and they’re discouraging results, and it seems to induce a disappointed and distasteful miasma. Then two weeks pass by and we do it all again. FML.
On the bright side, the weather here is wonderful.
My cat is totally adorable.
Memento mori.