I’m in crunch mode of my dissertation writing. Today marks day 10 out of 14. Up to now, I’ve spent a lot of time, thought, and effort putting together my final two projects that would comprise half of my dissertation. Today, however, felt incredibly lackluster. Twelve hours into my work day (excluding meals and breaks), I have accomplished just two introductory paragraphs. I did also manage to upload the Github Latex dissertation template to Overleaf, where I do my Latex writing and compiling.
Throughout the past week, I’ve been referring to past dissertations as an example for various things: do people include an introduction chapter, what about a conclusions chapter, how long is the abstract, should I list my middle name or middle initial on my cover page, etc.
It’s nice to have ample examples I can look to, but, at the same time, I’ve found myself sucked into seeing what these others have done during their PhD. That’s not a bad thing in itself. However, it can be a slippery slope, especially for me. I start thinking, “Wow, this person had her whole MD/PhD funded and also did these internships and had these extracurricular involvements during her program,” or “Jeez, this person has six chapters without either an intro or conclusions, and they’ve done a lot of work. I wonder if I should try to reintroduce my other project as another chapter.”
Playing the comparison game leads to such a toxic mindset of “they did x, y, z,” and all I did was “blah.” Life isn’t a competition. Yet, for so long, we’ve been taught that it is and that it must be. Else who would get into the best, most prestigious programs and win incredible honors if we didn’t have the metrics to judge and rate people. Even a seemingly perfect job offer can lead one to wonder, “Should I have negotiated a higher salary?”
Comparing myself to others, I think about all the things I don’t have, and don’t think about all the things I do have relative to yet another standard. Even comparing “downwards” is problematic, since that can lead one to become big-headed and prideful.
I think the ideal standard is to think of myself and others the way that God sees us. He loves us. He sees our character. He doesn’t judge us by the number of papers we publish or the ranking of our university. He cares about us as people, individual beings. He wants us to acknowledge and follow him as the way, the truth, the life. In the end, we all die, and nothing we gain in this world can be taken with us. Nothing, that is, except the relationship we have with God.
Closing on a more general standpoint, this is one quote that particularly speaks to me and is one that I go back to at least every few months:
What is there to be jealous about. Just know that you are going to die, and the other person you are jealous of is going to die too. When you are jealous of somebody, you are looking at life from a very different perspective. So go beyond that. That is why dispassion is important. It will bring you stability and make you centered.
Sri Sri