There are these negativity elves in my brain. There would be elves to remind me of a negative memory associated with anything (high school reunions, songs, conferences). There would be elves that cause me to question what I say (is that too boring, too self-revealing, too weird). There would be elves that work to bring my mood down after a positive event, back to a lower baseline. Those elves would make sure I felt that someone didn’t like me until I got specific direct reassurance otherwise. There would be elves that prevent me from acting, out of self-doubt (you wouldn’t look good in that, you would ruin that song, you would make a fool of yourself, you would just get rejected). Sometimes with these negativity elves, I wonder at how I accomplished anything at all, like completing my PhD, like meeting and marrying my husband.
With medication, those elves have been decommissioned, at least to a large degree.
At the time I’m writing this, it’s 35 hours after I took my first dose of antidepressant medication, 10 milligrams of generic escitalopram. I FEEL BETTER. Yesterday was my first full day after taking the drug. Let me preface by saying that I would be skeptical to hear this kind of quick turnaround change from anyone else, except that I experienced it personally. I acknowledge that it could be placebo effects, but given the significant lessening of the pervasiveness of my negative thoughts and also reducing anxiety I didn’t even realize I had, I genuinely feel that the medication is taking a positive effect on my mental state.
From just a single full day of being on medication, I notice how much lighter and free I am. It’s like someone finally cleaned the gray buildup on my windshield. It’s like I shed these 20 pound sandbags wrapped around my ankles while I’m trying to walk. It’s like I finally shed the anchor constantly pulling me down as I tried to swim. I can just go, and not have to make a huge process of self-encouragement and deliberate action to do the things that I want to do.
I’ve resisted medication for so long due to fear of the side effects. But I’ve long had this attitude that you should choose your friends for their intrinsic benefit, not the auxiliary benefits they provide. I’m finally taking this kind of attitude towards medication–the intrinsic benefit of the drug far outweighs the side effects.
I’m also not so naïve to think that the side effects won’t start becoming an issue in my life. Some potential effects cause me more caution than others, but I will strive to be vigilant and to request help from my husband, family, and doctor as problems arise. If I need to switch medication, I will do so.
Another reason I resisted medication is that I felt like I never did enough personally to live a better lifestyle. So that my depression could “naturally” go away on its own. I could always eat better, exercise more, drink more water, spend more time away from screens. The list goes on. The truth is, I was doing a lot of those things already. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But I should not have to live a perfect life in order to not experience passive suicidal ideation each and every day of my life.
I’m also not so naïve to think that the negative elves will go away completely. They shouldn’t. To be human is to have negative elves that keep us in check, that help us learn from negative events, that push us to improve certain areas of our lives. But right now I can confidently say that the negativity elves are in much better control and not running rampant throughout my brain like ants swarming a bowl of cat food.
For right now, I’m just riding the high, because boy does it feel great to be alive.
