When I was an undergrad doing research in an organic chemistry lab, I applied for a prestigious national fellowship for grad school, but didn’t make the cut. I was close, with honorable mention. One of the senior grad students in the lab was like, “That’s okay, all the NSF fellows here seem to leave early anyway.” There was another grad student in the lab a few years ago, and one in a nearby lab, who both left grad school early without their PhD. When I re-applied and did get this fellowship a year later, another senior grad student advised me, “Work hard. But don’t burn yourself out.”
And three years later here I am. Classic burnout victim. Reading through this article on burnout, I feel that the description fits me so well: emotional deadness, cynicism, detachment, chronic fatigue, a horrible lack of focus. I don’t have too much in terms of physical symptoms (thankfully) besides what comes with prolonged, overbearing anxiety. My thoughts are predominantly colored (or discolored, rather) by apathy, helplessness, and hopelessness.
Some things I wish I understood better about burnout are:
- How do various factors in work or life contribute to burnout? I’ve always worked really hard in college and in grad school, but what leads it to manifest at this time? Part of me wonders if I wouldn’t be so burned out if I had more successes with my projects, or just more constructive feedback in general.
- How long does burnout last? I honestly don’t think it’s been so crystal clear to me that I had burnout (due to potentially related depression) until I sat down in my therapist’s office today talking about a deep desire to not do anything. But I also acknowledged that having too much idle time would leave me feeling useless and unhappy. I’ve been feeling a lot of these symptoms for several months. Maybe even up to two years, at some time past the initial honeymoon phase of new advisors and new projects and all the enthusiasm of a typical first year grad student.
- What do I do about my burnout? While grad students are expected (maybe stereotpyically) to work all the time, such as including nights and weekends, and are overly stressed, neither of those really apply to me. I leave my work at work when I go home. I try to relax on the weekend, whether that’s getting lunch with a friend, or spending the entire time in my apartment with my cat. I typically eat pretty healthily. I’ve even taken extended breaks, such as a three week trip to visit family in Asia. On any week or break I have, I just veg out, not doing anything highly mentally intensive. Yet the day after I go back to work, it’s like the flames are still on high.
The end of the Psychology Today article notes:
After two weeks, if you don’t feel like you’ve recovered very much of your strength and vitality, your problems are very likely severe and you should consider making some significant changes in your lifestyle to give yourself a chance to recover.
No wonder people leave grad school. I just want a long period of time in which nothing is asked of me, and I don’t have to feel guilty for taking it.
